Love Languages

How do you tell someone I love you?

Its pretty easy right? You find the right moment (ok that can be a little tricky), find the right words (not so hard), find a little (or a lot) of courage and out it comes…”I Love you” or in French “Je t’aime” in Korean “Saranghae” or in Filipino (Tagalog) “Mahal Kita”

When my first serious girlfriend said she loved me it was pretty cool to say the least, but there was something funny about it. I I knew she meant it, but I didn’t really feel it when she said it. Watching her say it I could tell she meant every word. I knew I Ioved her too, so I figured I was just being weird and moved on with things if you know what I mean 😉

If you have ever had someone say “You tell me you love me but I don’t feel you do” or perhaps you were the one thinking I know my partner loves me but I don’t aways feel it when they express that love then you know what I mean.

Fast forward a few years I was in a coffee shop in Toronto, Canada with a colleague from Australia. As we were chatting he handed me this book called “The 5 Love languages: The secret to love that lasts” by Gary Chapman.  “You have to read this it will really help” he told me. I thanked him and changed the subject. I later found out he gave a copy to all of his friends and colleagues that were single at the time. Anyway, I tossed the book on the kitchen counter at home and ignored it until I picked up one day months later when I was bored and decided to read it.

As I read the book a light went off in my head. That feeling of knowing that somebody loves me but not feeling like it came flashing back – and I got my answer why!

According to Chapman love is a feeling and a language, you know like French or German. We all “feel” love and express it in five main ways (or languages) and likewise we all feel loved when someone expresses their love for us in one of those ways.

The 5 Love Languages are:

1. Physical Touch

   Yup, just as it sounds – touch. Think holding hands, kissing, cuddling, making boom boom! Anything that you know involves touching the person you love (in a loving way, don’t make it creepy!). Interesting fact – most guys primary love language is this one!

   
   

2. Word of Affirmation

   This is broad one. It can range from verbal compliments or “I love yous” to love notes, poetry (remember Romeo and Juliet from High School?) and more.  A girlfriend of mine used to leave little notes with funny drawings and a few words in my lunchbag. One of the sweetest things!

   
   

3. Acts of Service

   This is where you do “stuff” for the other person (not stuff in bed, that’s the first love language!) like chores – think of the honey-do list for example. Its really about wanting to do things for your partner that they would like and appreciate.

   
   

   I always thought my aunt and uncle had a weird relationship. I never saw them hug or kiss each other. Now I grew up in a “huggy” family so to me this never made any sense. Why would you not hug or kiss someone you love?  However they were always doing things for each other – He would do stuff around the house like build a pantry or finish the basement and she would cook and pick out the colour schemes for rooms etc. Turns out their love language was Acts of Service – I mean why else would my uncle repaint the dining room a different shade of white 3 times in a month - must be love baby!

   
   

4. Quality Time

   This one is a classic and features “long walks on the beach” and “just hanging out” or “having coffee”. Its about spending time together.

   
   

5. Receiving Gifts

   It’s not going to matter how I explain this one until we get the elephant out of the room – yes those gold diggers (Can you hear that Kanye West song?)  they fall into this category but its pretty extreme.

   
   

This is not necessarily about big expensive gifts its about giving something…even its small (still talking gifts here!). A friend of mine does this, every time he’s at the grocery store he’ll pick up something for his wife – sometimes it’s her favourite ice cream, other times its something new that he hopes she will enjoy. Last time I met him in the store it was Cotton Candy grapes! Coincidently the Diamond industry has been exploiting this particular love language for decades.

While we know all those languages are different ways of saying “I love you” each of us usually has one main language for expressing love and its the same language we use to receive it from others. While we also have a secondary love language, it’s more like the difference between speaking conversational French and being fluent in French for example…You can say a few words but don’t get all of it.

But here’s the kicker, because not everyone expresses love using the same language we often get broken telephone syndrome when expressing and receiving love. Where one partner expresses their love in one language, but the other partner receives love in a different love language. Its all wrong. It’s as if one partner is speaking French and the other Japanese. The communication is vague, choppy or just not working,…And this was the conundrum I had when my first serious girlfriend said those magic words. My love language is Physical Touch and her language was words of affirmation. She wanted to tell me all the reasons she loved me and I didn’t “receive” the message on an emotional or feeling level.

Being able to express love and feel loved is pretty fundamental in any romantic relationship. For a healthy relationship to flourish I think communication is at the top of the list. This is part of that communication.

Do you what your love language is? Take some time to reflect on how you express love or what makes you feel loved by another person – It doesn’t have to be a romantic partner, it could be your parents, relatives or friends. You can also take the quiz https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

As you become aware of your love language you can look for clues in potential partners to see if you both speak the same language. It makes for a beautiful “conversation”